


A very good evening

by monettes



Category: Diabolik Lovers
Genre: AU of 'clueless', Attempt at Humor, Crack, Family, Family Fluff, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 16:15:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10902921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monettes/pseuds/monettes
Summary: In the Mukami household, the day cannot start without some trouble.





	A very good evening

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Clueless](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3569675) by [monettes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/monettes/pseuds/monettes). 



> So this is pretty much a one shot I posted a long time ago on my blog. Thought I would post it here as well.
> 
> This is pure crack fiction lol.

**ONE SHOT: Good Evening**

* * *

Just like on most days, everyone in the Mukami residence would wake up around ten in the evening. And just like on most days, it didn't go without any sort of trouble.

Half past nine. Yuma got out of bed, immediately peeking through the door with his head, checking the hallway.

_Empty._

_Quiet._

The vampire grinned victoriously, he was at an advantage today. Not wanting to let this rare opportunity slide, he quickly rushed back into his room, grabbing a towel and some fresh clothes before immediately rushing towards the bathroom.

He stopped.

Masami was standing further down the hall, eying Kou, who was standing right across her. The pair of them looked at Yuma, like the two pajama-wearing sharks they were.

"Good evening Yuma-kun!" Kou said with the cheerfulness of a butcher who was about to slaughter a tasty Yuma chicken. "You're up early… for someone who's last on the bathroom list…"

Masami nodded pretentiously. "Right, right, great observation, Mr. Kou!" She took a cautious step towards Yuma. "Seems like someone can't wait 'till it's Sunday, when it's actually their turn to go first!"

The bathroom was the core of the fights in the Mukami mansion. A matter of life and death. You'd sell your children and betray your loved ones if that's what it took to not have to use the bathroom after either Kou or Masami.

"Ya take too goddamn long to get done, why the hell should I wait! I'm only going to be there for ten minutes!"

"Only ten minutes yes, but the bathroom is a pool of mud after you're done, you know?" Kou said, with Masami nodding furiously behind him.

"I don't want to bathe in your swamp water, Ponytail."

"You're joking right? Do you have any idea what the bathroom looks like when you're done? Like a fuckin' battlefield, that's what it looks like!"

"Boys! Boys! Let's take it easy, shall we? Yuma…You know it's just the start of the day." Masami came closer, putting her hands in the air as a sign of peace. "Let's just…talk about it."

Yuma knew that he would get tackled the second he let his guard down. He knew their tricks and he wasn't going to fall for them. Not today!

"Like hell I will!"

He just wanted to take a goddamn shower, was that really too much to ask for?

In the split second that Kou had turned his gaze towards Masami, Yuma made a run for it. The bathroom was just at the end of the hall…

He ran, with Masami and Kou right at his heels, ready to eat him alive.

A door opened.

Yuma was the one to go full frontal, his head crashing against the wooden door, while the two vampires behind him crashed into him from the back. The door cracked and Yuma fell back onto Kou and Masami with an incredibly loud thud. Masami barely managed to escape being crushed by Yuma's full weight.

"Hmhmmm…hmm…"

"You cracked the door!" Masami said when she had crawled back up to her feet. 

Yuma's head was turning from the bang, his sight hazy. "You want me to crack you next?" he groaned back. "Can't I have a normal fuckin' evening?"

"Hmm… hmmngg!"

Two arms were flapping underneath Yuma's body, desperately trying to get free. Yuma, still a bit dizzy from hitting his head, managed to stand back up. Only then he noticed the lifeless body of Kou Mukami.

"Kou…The hell you're doing?"

Kou just stared ahead, his eyes empty and glazy. He then sat up, but it was clear that his soul had already left his body.

"Oi, Kou," Yuma called out, slightly worried.

Kou whispered something Yuma couldn't hear.

"I don't want your butt to be near my face ever again."

Yuma looked at Masami, trying to see if she got what Kou was blabbering about. Masami's lips were pursed together and her face was bright red. She was trying to do her utter best not to laugh.

"You…" Masami paused to catch her breath, again trying not to laugh. "…You nearly killed him with your a-"

Right at that moment Masami threw the towel that Yuma had carried with him right at his face, taking him completely by surprise.

"Try harder next time, son!" she yelled as she ran away towards the notorious bathroom. Once again, victory was hers to claim.

"Masami you goddamn-" Yuma started, but it was no use. He let out a frustrated groan when he heard the click of the bathroom door.

He just wanted to take a damn shower!

Yuma, remembering Kou's oblivious state, tapped him with his foot.

"Yuma-kun you totally fell for that trick again~"

_All right, Kou was back to his senses again._

"What happened to you now, huh?"

Kou's expression turned dark, a visible gloom surrounding him. "Let's not talk about it."

Yuma raised a brow, but decided to not make any more comments. He walked towards the bathroom, but something behind the cracked door caught his eye.

The person who had opened the door was lying on the floor, unconscious.

It was Ruki.

Yuma froze at the sight of his unconscious brother.

"Hey, Yuma what are you-" Kou stopped next to Yuma, the same frozen expression on his face.

Yuma had only one thing to say. "Fuck."

"Yuma…"

"This is all your fault, I had nothing to do with it, ya hear me!"

"Let's drag him back to his bed," Kou said in a sharp whisper, while visibly sweating.

"Kou," Yuma said, not even trying to hide the panic is his voice, "Are. You. Insane."

"Where going to be dead anyway, but if we leave him on the ground, then he'll make sure that our dead will be very slow and..." Kou gulped, eying Ruki's body on the floor, "...Extremely painful…"

Yuma felt sweat running down his neck. "Alright, get him by his feet, quickly!"

Masami got out of the bathroom sooner than expected, since she felt like she had to think about the poor and unfortunate who had to wait. And of course, she was thinking about Yuma. It was always Yuma.

_Poor unfortunate soul. May he ever have the chance to scrub that dirt off his ogre skin._

The girl happily walked downstairs with a towel planted on her shoulders and a satisfied look covering her face. So far, the day had been a success.

For her.

"Why so gloomy, lads?" Masami said as she walked past Yuma and Kou, who were restlessly walking around in the dining room. Kou seemed to be lost in thought, while Yuma looked like there was a bomb planted in his pants. As they didn't answer her, Masami just shrugged and walked towards the kitchen. Azusa was there already, making himself a bowl of cereal.

"Azusa, you should tie your laces or you're going to fall. And trust me, there's already been enough falling in the first hour of this evening."

"Good evening…Masami-chan…" he said, the speed of his speech ever the same. "What happened up there…It was so noisy…"

"Azusa, I'm glad to see someone civilized again." Masami took him by his shoulders, dramatically staring at the ceiling. "I won."

"Ah…The bathroom…" Azusa smiled and as she let go of him again, he returned to his bowl of cereal.

Masami sighed at the sight of him generously pouring tabasco into the milk. "Azusa, you know that you don't have to put all that spicy stuff in there, right?"

"But it's good…"

"You promised me you'd try!"

"That was…months ago…"

"That makes it even worse!" Masami picked up the small little bottle, filled with the bright red liquid. The lid was nowhere to be seen.

"Just for today, all right?" Masami frowned. "Stop with the puppy-eyes Azusa!"

"That's just my face…"

"I know your tricks Azusa, and I swear, I'm not going to fall for it." She exclaimed, splashing a bit of tabasco onto the floor.

"…"

"FINE. You win. Only this evening then! But you will try to eat something without tabasco tomorrow, okay!"

Azusa smiled as Masami walked back out, the lidless bottle of tabasco still in her hands. It made Azusa a bit sad, but what she didn't know, was that he had already poured enough in his milk to make his breakfast _enjoyable_.

As Masami walked back into the dining room, she couldn't help but stare at Kou and Yuma, who were sitting there like statues. It was _very_ unlike them.

"Okay what the hell happened—"

That very moment, right behind Masami, Azusa tripped over one of his laces, the bowl of spicy cereal flying out of his hands. The contents of the bowl, and the bowl itself, landed onto Masami's head. Before anyone could scream or laugh, Masami swung her arm out in surprise, still holding the tabasco bottle.

The contents of the bottle sprayed across Yuma and Kou, who were both looking right into Masami's direction.

The liquid hit them right in the eyes.

Yuma and Kou immediately pushed their palms onto their eyes, rubbing hard while screaming in agony. Because of the spicy milk, Masami was doing the same thing as both Yuma and Kou, though the only difference was that she had a bowl on her head.

"IT FUCKIN' BURNS WHAT IS THIS!"

"AZUSA WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

"SHUT UP YUMA. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"I'LL KILL YOU ALL IF I GO BLIND!"

* * *

Half an hour later, Ruki woke up with a strange headache and a big bump on his forehead. It didn't take him long to connect the dots. The door was cracked and he had been in bed, rolled up in his blanket like a burrito, as if someone had desperately tried to wrap him up _so_ tightly, in the hope that he'd never leave said bed.

He didn't even want to know what had happened.

Preparing himself for the worst, and thinking about how they would have to prepare themselves for the worst as well, Ruki went downstairs.

The dining room was a mess, as expected. Azusa was lying on the ground, unconscious. Ruki sighed, rubbing his palm over the bump on his head. When he turned his look towards the window, he saw a sight he had seen almost every evening. For Ruki, an evening was not complete without the sight of three imbeciles chasing each other in the garden, shouting insults like the Neanderthals they were.

When they noticed him, however, they all stopped. Kou and Masami both pointed at Yuma, who stood there frozen like a statue.

Just as Ruki wanted to take a step closer, he slipped over a pool of milk and tabasco and fell. He hit his head hard on the corner of the wooden diner table.

The three vampires outside saw it all happen, and simultaneously, their souls left their bodies.

The three vampires outside looked at one another. They gulped. Masami, already a dead woman, decided to make a run for it. Kou, who in return knew that someone had to go take care of Ruki and be there when he would awaken, ran after Masami. Yuma was left all alone to care for the two unconscious vampires inside. He yelled at the two vampires who had just left, but it was no use. He sighed deeply, knowing that death was near.

"I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A FUCKIN' SHOWER. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN!"

**Author's Note:**

> So, hope you guys enjoyed reading this! This is basically a crack fic, but yah why not right?
> 
> REVIEWS ARE SEXY.


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